The Real Shidduch Crisis

I have always viewed the purpose of this blog to be the enlightening of the unwashed masses (Note: I don't use the term to exclude litvaks and yekkes, I count them among my readers as well). So, upon encountering a little discussed and yet shocking and heart-breaking situation amidst Klal Yisrael I felt the need to publicize and bring much needed attention to "The Real Shidduch Crisis."

I, of course, refer to the awful plight of those beautiful b'nos Yisroel, of the Chabad persuasion, who happen to suffer from pogonophobia.  The slower among you (Note: Now I am now excluding the litvaks and yekkes) may not have realized the full import of this disastrous dichotomy. Allow a moment for the horror of their situation to fully sink in. Contemplate the fearful specter of the first date, knowing that when the door opens, behind it she will find a young bochur sporting her very worst nightmare.  And we think that we have it bad?

Try to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine, if you will, your personal pet peeve quality in a date. Perhaps it's a discomfort with gross obesity. Perhaps the thought of all of those jiggling rolls of fat reverberating off of each other as your date awkwardly shifts in his seat, its poor dowels and joints hanging on for dear life and screeching in agony as they are wrenched apart by a weight they never were designed to withstand, unsettles you. Now imagine knowing with a certainty that every single guy that you get set up with was in his childhood ironically nicknamed "Tiny", hasn't seen his toes since kindergarten, and (as legend holds of Sir Thomas Aquinas) has a semi-circle cut out of his dining room table to accommodate his bodacious belly. This is the horrific fate experienced every date-night by these unsung pogonophobic Chabad heroes.  Could you get up each morning facing that? Could you persist in seeking your beshert?

My discovery of this incredibly unfortunate segment of society has led me to discover a part of me I never knew...a caring, compassionate, feel-good, do-good, be-good part of me. As such, I have created a non-profit organization to tackle this unconscionable situation facial follicle by facial follicle. It is of course essential that we identify these girls at a young age and intervene before it is too late. As such, it gives me great pride to announce the formation of Beard Acclimation for Chabad Kindergartens (BACK). Participating institutions will proudly fly our flag (next to the Chabad Moshiach flag) with its catchy slogan, "Our Babies Got BACK!" Donations are being accepted now.

How to Get That Second Date pt. 3

Mistake #3

Oh! You do HASC/KOC/Yachad? Guess what sister, so does everyone else! In high school, everyone has a volunteer experience. In medical school, everyone does research. And in the shidduch world, everyone does chessed. Newsflash! They're all just padding their resumes!

Mistake number three is thinking that your chesed experience makes you into a considerate and kind person. Wrong! Your behavior on the first date is what sets the girls apart from the women...and also what differentiates the one-and-dones from the second-date-worthies.

The guy does the planning, the paying, the driving, the least you can do is focus on being considerate and selfless. Frankly, you've got nothing else to do! Be appreciative and aware of the fact that he's driving to you and back afterwards. If it's any sort of distance, offer him a drink or snack for the road. Express gratitude to him for planning the date and paying for you. Unless you're a prostitute, this isn't a business arrangement.  When you tell him a time that's good for him to call you, make sure that you're available at that time and able to talk. And whatever you do, do not answer your phone on a date. I feel as though most of these are pretty obvious and should be expected of any polite, well-raised human-being, but you'd be shocked at the number of girls who seem to not qualify for this label.

Fair or not, you have one date to leave a good impression. Put your best foot forward (preferably clad in  high heels) and stop thinking that occasionally wiping drool off the face of a mentally challenged child absolves you of having to be a good person the other 99.9% of the time.

How to Get That Second Date pt. 2

Some historians make the argument that that the epic downfall of many of the famous high and mighty results from their having been insulated within a circle of sycophants and toadies who never critique their mistakes or correct their errors (*cough* Obama *cough*). It turns out that this is not something that can be said for me.  Following my last post, several of the individuals whose opinions I value informed me that they thought my tongue-in-cheek arrogant demeanor (I like to think of it as my blog voice) was perhaps a bit over the top in my last piece. Knowing me, and knowing that I rival Moshe in his level of anavah, they thought that perhaps my readers who don't know me might not take it in the manner intended. I appreciate their honesty in this matter. They make a valid point. However, I don't write for my readers. Those who don't appreciate my writing can jolly well sod off. My advisers have since been executed and replaced with a circle of sycophants. Alexander the Great may have been assassinated at the end of his life, and it may have been because he surrounded himself with flatterers and flunkies, but prior to that, he did conquer the known world and achieve everlasting renown. Seems like a fair trade to me.

-PNN the Great

 To those of you who remain, I give...

Mistake #2

There are two approaches to being a good date.  They are both equally valid, although I think that the ideal is an alternating combination of the two.  What is inexcusable, and results in a terrible date, is choosing neither.

When on a date, you need to be either interesting or interested. If you're not the sort of person who has much going on in his or her life, then you need to practice the art of active listening.  You need to pick up on all of the little details mentioned by your date and ask questions about them.  When he says that he used to be an exotic game collector, you need to recognize that this statement begs the question of whether he means Scrabble and Boggle or Rhinoceros and Siberian Tigers.  You need to demonstrate that you're interested in what they are saying in order to make them feel comfortable with continuing to talk and express themselves.  Often, people are unaware of how they present themselves.  Many don't realize that their typical facial expressions when listening convey utter boredom and lack of interest even if this may not be the case.  Part of being interested is making sure that your date is aware of your interest.

Alternatively, you can take the approach of being interesting in which case you seize on every question directed at you as a means of launching a conversation.  Don't answer questions monosyllabically.  Rather, when asked how many siblings you have, discuss your relationships with them, their personalities, which one used to hide dead bugs in your shoes, and what you think about your family size. And of course, most importantly, flip the question back on the other person.  There's no excuse for not knowing as much about the other person by the end of a date as they know about you.

Having been on far too many dates with young ladies who convey neither interest nor anything of interest has driven this point home to me.  Be interesting, be interested, or keep wondering why you never get that second date.

Previously published as "The Secret to Being a Good Date", March 2012.

How to Get That Second Date pt. 1

 We live in a society obsessed with the concept of scarcity. We talk about the energy shortage, the water scarcity, the dwindling polar bear population, human overpopulation (i.e. scarcity of resources), and don't even get me started on gallium, or the lack thereof. However, today dear readers, I've decided to address something in even shorter supply than those listed above...second dates with me. And whats more, over my next few posts I am going to share the most common mistakes which prevent landing that second date with me, and by extension with other highly-selective gentleman.

First, let's face the facts. Second dates with quality guys are scarce. To quote economist Thomas Sowell, "The first lesson of economics is scarcity. There is never enough of anything [second dates with me] to fully satisfy all those who want it [single Jewish girls]." Well, that certainly makes me feel better about being so picky. It's basic economics.


Mistake #1
When we speak on the phone prior to the date I'm going to tell you to please dress casually/comfortably for the first date.

Don't.

I'm telling you this because I've dated too many Brooklyn girls who show up as if we're on our way to prom. Makeup should not be measured in inches! Gowns are not acceptable attire for a first date. Having said that, that's a far cry from showing up in flip-flops and a jean skirt. Go for Rambam's shvil ha'zahav, The Golden Mean. Think business-casual. It's common courtesy considering that the guy is planning the date, paying for the date, often driving great distances for the date, etc. And it's common sense. This is your shot to strike at the very core of a guy's "second-date-decision-process"...factor number one: his attraction to you. Don't believe anything anyone else says. If a guy finds you very beautiful, assuming you don't sound like Fran Drescher or commit some massive faux pas (and I mean MASSIVE), there will be a second date.
Summary: If it's not evident that you've put effort into your appearance, there will not be a second date. When in doubt, go with the heels.

P.S. Don't even dream of accusing me of saying one thing and meaning something else yet expecting you to somehow know what I meant...you're a girl. You do this four times before breakfast on a slow day.

Its To Bad Your Illiterate

Am I the only one who rapidly loses interest in a date when in e-mails or texts prior to the date she misuses "to" instead of "too", "their" instead of "there", "your" instead of "you're", and "it's" instead of "its"? She can be the prettiest girl in the world with yichus and a killer resume to boot, but the minute I see that text, love dies. What sort of an educational system produces people who at college age are utterly incapable of using proper grammar?! Want to solve the shidduch crisis? Tutor a local single in proper grammar.

Don't Ask Why

Can someone please explain to me why after a breakup call following two or three dates, calls that are awkward and unpleasant for all parties involved, girls will often ask for the reason why the guy doesn't see it continuing? I guarantee you that (a) you won't get an honest response, and (b) you're not going to change his mind, so why bother asking? Isn't it better to just accept it, wish him all the best and move on? After all, it takes two to tango. If one of the parties, for whatever reason, doesn't see it working, that's game over. Ladies...just don't do it. And whatever you do, don't send the follow-up text saying that you think he's made a mistake. Do you really think Elizabeth Bennet would have sent a follow-up text?

Repost: Black Holes, Mirrors, and Prisms

Originally posted in 2011, this came to mind when I recently found myself dating a mirror.  Our conversation was filled with laughter and interesting discussions and yet I had the unsettling feeling that something was wrong. Suddenly it struck me, she was the one doing all of the laughing and I was the one bringing up all of the interesting topics...lookout, it's a mirror! - PNN
Yes, it's been a while since I last posted.  I could explain why, where I've been, and what I've been doing, but I don't want to make my readers jealous of my adventures.  Instead, I'd like to share a dating theory that I developed last week while trudging through the mud in a downpour with a fifty pound pack on my back and lightning crashing all around me at an undisclosed, remote location.

I realized that I could classify most of the girls that I have dated into three categories: Black Holes, Mirrors, and Prisms.  Bear with me while I explain.

I (and I think all of my readers who have the good taste to follow my blog fall in the same category) tend to be a leader, an out of the box thinker with grandiose ideas and plans, and a go-getter.  In metaphorical terms, think of me as a million-watt light bulb shooting out photons of energy, beams of light, illuminating the darkest recesses of, to quote Shakespeare, "a naughty world." (For those concerned readers: No, I don't have any low self esteem issues.)

The Black Hole date absorbs all of the energy and light that her date is giving off, and still remains a dark, black (meant metaphorically, but come to think of it she does usually wear all black) abyss.  She doesn't have many interests and doesn't have the common decency to fake an interest in anything her date discusses.  She causes the energy-giver in the relationship to become a mere shell of his former self, quashes his dreams, restricts his personality, and all in all is, at least in my mind, a thoroughly unpleasant date.  Men who wish to marry their mother often are attracted to this type of person.

Then there's the Mirror.  At first glance, the Mirror date seems altogether delightful and refreshing.  You're dazzled by her charm, her wit, her conversational talent, and then...it hits you, she's merely agreeing with everything you're saying, appreciating your charm, laughing at your wit, and echoing your conversation.  She's reflecting the energy that you're giving off, but not giving off any creative energy of her own.  You're enjoying the date because you're essentially dating yourself...and let's face it, you're a ton of fun.  For many overbearing, insecure people, this is an ideal type of spouse.  As for me, I prefer a relationship where both spouses contribute, which brings us to the last type of girl, the elusive Prism.

The Prism is the date who absorbs your light and then refracts it into a multitude of colors that you never thought possible.  She introduces her own unique spin to your ideas, she comes up with ideas of her own, she turns your world into a 1960s disco with colored lasers and rainbows bouncing across your field of vision (minus the atrocious fashion and bad hairdos).  The Prism, however, is difficult to find.  It would seem that our educational institutions have stopped producing them.  Mirrors and Black Holes are just easier to mass produce.

Still searching for my Prism...