I, of course, refer to the awful plight of those beautiful b'nos Yisroel, of the Chabad persuasion, who happen to suffer from pogonophobia. The slower among you (Note: Now I am now excluding the litvaks and yekkes) may not have realized the full import of this disastrous dichotomy. Allow a moment for the horror of their situation to fully sink in. Contemplate the fearful specter of the first date, knowing that when the door opens, behind it she will find a young bochur sporting her very worst nightmare. And we think that we have it bad?
Try to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine, if you will, your personal pet peeve quality in a date. Perhaps it's a discomfort with gross obesity. Perhaps the thought of all of those jiggling rolls of fat reverberating off of each other as your date awkwardly shifts in his seat, its poor dowels and joints hanging on for dear life and screeching in agony as they are wrenched apart by a weight they never were designed to withstand, unsettles you. Now imagine knowing with a certainty that every single guy that you get set up with was in his childhood ironically nicknamed "Tiny", hasn't seen his toes since kindergarten, and (as legend holds of Sir Thomas Aquinas) has a semi-circle cut out of his dining room table to accommodate his bodacious belly. This is the horrific fate experienced every date-night by these unsung pogonophobic Chabad heroes. Could you get up each morning facing that? Could you persist in seeking your beshert?
My discovery of this incredibly unfortunate segment of society has led me to discover a part of me I never knew...a caring, compassionate, feel-good, do-good, be-good part of me. As such, I have created a non-profit organization to tackle this unconscionable situation facial follicle by facial follicle. It is of course essential that we identify these girls at a young age and intervene before it is too late. As such, it gives me great pride to announce the formation of Beard Acclimation for Chabad Kindergartens (BACK). Participating institutions will proudly fly our flag (next to the Chabad Moshiach flag) with its catchy slogan, "Our Babies Got BACK!" Donations are being accepted now.