RSS #2 - Charity Ain't Just About Giving Back

Okay, it should be.  But there's an added benefit for people who partake in charitable efforts, one known by every member of your local Rotary club, your local hospital support group, or your local Habitat for Humanity chapter.  And that benefit is...networking!  People make fantastic business contacts that advance their careers immeasurably at these charities!  One might ask, if that's the case, why not just attend a networking function solely dedicated to networking?  Answer...because only the losers show up to these.  The networking isn't the secret, underlying reason why successful businessmen join Rotary.  They join to do charity.  But then, when one member is looking for a Realtor, you can bet that he will think of that wonderful lady, Patricia, whom he sat with on the fund-raising committee.  And guess what, he knows her REALLY well!  From working together with this Realtor while both of them focused on something else, outside of themselves, namely charity, they were given the opportunity to observe and truly get to know each other.  Actions speak louder than words, and working next to someone, especially on a charitable project, lets you get to know someone far better than if you met at a networking event and conversed for an hour.  So of course it makes sense that the inevitable outcome of organizations such as Rotary is business connections.

Now let's talk shidduchim.  This is a really straightforward analogy.  The networking events that all the losers show up to are...drumroll please...networking events that all the losers show up to! You know what I mean, shabbatons, speed-dating, etc.  And the charities are...well, charities, but as of now they're non-existent, at least in PNN's city.  The local charities don't attract young singles from the community, and if they do, they go to almost desperate lengths to keep the genders separated.

So here is Revamp the Shidduch System #2: Local charities should establish a "Young Singles Committee" to oversee one area of charity operations.  This should be staffed entirely by young singles, who should be ruthlessly recruited, and overseen by an advisory member.  Give people a chance to get to know each other by working together in a kosher environment where chessed is the end goal.  Can you think of a more marriage conducive environment?  I can't.  Let singles get to know each other without the awkwardness of being in a contrived networking situation, and stand a chance at attracting quality singles who wouldn't be caught dead speed-dating all those losers.

You Decide

 Vs.

Oh, so now Global Warming includes massive snowstorms and temperatures far below normal? How convenient.  You'd think they'd have thought of that when they originally came up with the name.  But okay, we'll call it Climate Change now.  Perhaps it is also time for Obama to consider renaming it the Stagnation/Stimulus Plan.  You know, just to play it safe in case the unemployment rate increases. Oh wait, it did? Must've missed it while I was outside shoveling snow.

Confidently Stupid

"Researchers at the Brookings Institution, in one of their frequent studies of education policy, compared students’ assessments of their abilities in math with their scores on a standardized test. Nearly forty per cent of American eighth graders agreed “a lot” with the statement “I usually do well in mathematics,” even though only seven per cent of American students actually got enough correct answers on the test to qualify as advanced. Among Singaporean students, eighteen per cent said they usually did well in math; forty-four per cent qualified as advanced. As the Brookings researchers pointed out, even the least self-confident Singaporean students, on average, outscored the most self-confident Americans."

So, although American kids are on average, scholastically-speaking, pretty dumb (the ranking in other disciplines wasn't great either), they sure feel great about themselves!

Is there a difference between a healthy self-esteem and a damagingly false sense of self? How do you raise children with one and without the other?

Kosher Pick-Up Lines?

Scenario: A gentleman at Starbucks/Barnes & Noble/etc. sees a religious girl who he finds very attractive.  Based on her dress/demeanor there's a good chance that they're on the same page hashkafically.

Is there any acceptable way for him to approach her?

Should it be acceptable? Why or why not?

Girls, would you ever be open to being approached in this manner?

Guys, have you ever done so?

Granted, "picking up girls" is identified as a very secular activity, but are there any ways to make it kosher and acceptable? After two people meet and express interest in each other, it's not as though it is too late to introduce a shadchan for the dating process. What do you think?

Gotta Love the Irony

Rush Limbaugh pointed out that this past week, President Obama, the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize winner, hosted a dinner for the president of China, Hu Jintao, who is holding the 2010 Nobel Peace Prize winner, Liu Xiaobo, in prison! 2002 Nobel Peace Prize winner, Jimmy Carter, also attended.

Boat Trip Memories

 

Browsing my archives when I should have been studying for an exam I came across this old piece of writing and found it too nostalgic not to post.

Take a family of two males and seven females and confine them in a space sixty feet by eighteen feet for one month.  It sounds like a recipe for disaster, or perhaps a bad reality show, but in actuality, it was the best time of my life.

            It wasn’t until I was about ten that I realized that not every family moves onto a boat for the summer.  Do you mean to say that everyone’s idea of fun isn’t sleeping on the floor outside the engine room?  The engine room.  Now, that brings back memories.  Engine checks underway.  The glorious smell of diesel fuel and oil mixing in the bilge.  Ear protectors clamped tightly to my ears as I braced myself against the rocking and pitching of the boat.  The seemingly endless searches for the oil dipsticks.

            I think the best parts were the early morning departures.  I would be awoken by the rumbling of the diesel and the clanking of the anchor chain being raised.  The intertwining smells of coffee and freshly baked bread would drift down the companionway enticing me out of my bunk.  The pilothouse windows would invariably be covered in dew, and a thin layer of mist would hover motionless above the calm surface of the water; a smooth glassy surface only punctuated by the sound of a splash and then ripples spreading out from a salmon’s graceful landing.  I would join my father on deck, and by the time the sun had risen fully we’d already be slipping out of whatever stunning anchorage we had intruded on for the night.

In a galley the size of a large bathroom my mother turned out one hundred and eighty-nine gourmet meals per week.  Often these would be eaten while hunching over the wheel on watch, or while racing down the catwalks preparing lines and fenders for docking.  It was a constant struggle between paying the proper attention due a fantastic meal, and performing the necessary workload.

            At night we would barbecue.  I was usually out in the dinghy when I’d catch the first whiff of steak floating down the inlet.  I always made incredible time getting back to the boat on those occasions.  The shooting stars in the heavens would be only matched in their luminescence by the phosphorescence stirred up by the motion of the water.  Surrounded by the anchor lights of countless other boats, as if encircled by a cloud of fireflies, we would lie back on cushions discussing subjects ranging from philosophy to the oil consumption of the starboard engine.

            Occasionally we would end up coming into an anchorage at night.  The pilothouse instruments would all be on night mode, emitting faint glows.  The overhead light shone a blood red.  We all converged on it, to the pilothouse, like moths to a candle.  There we would peruse the charts bathed in the burgundy light, ensuring that we weren’t going to run aground.  On occasion I would need to go out onto the bow with the night vision goggles.  I recall the cold wind coming over the bow and the occasional showers of spray carried by it.

            Arriving at towns accessed mainly by boat was always a thrill.  The anchor would hardly touch bottom before the dinghies were launched and the race to the dock begun.  We would quickly tie up and run through the streets of the four-block down-towns.  At first we all resembled drunken sailors, but the sea legs disappeared quickly enough.  I recall my younger sisters commanding inordinate amounts of respect in the local chandleries after informing the owners that they had “squeezed more salt water out of my socks than you’ve seen in a lifetime.”

            With no cell phone reception we were forced to use our imaginations.  You wouldn’t believe how fascinating jellyfish can be when they’re the only form of entertainment available.  My mother taught us to recognize the constellations, and how to calculate the time by measuring the sun above the horizon with your fingers.  Another time we turned off the electronic depth sounder, and took soundings with a lead and line like in the olden days.  There were always chores to be done as well.  These ranged from dishes and cooking to engine checks and manning the helm. 

            When we were younger my parents would hold treasure hunts.  They would bury a canister of candies and coins on an uninhabited island, and then give us a list of clues.  The ensuing rush to the island probably resembled rats abandoning a sinking ship.

Though we were all confined together there was definitely no room for sore feelings on a sixty foot boat.  Many a hot temper was cooled by a unanimously agreed upon toss overboard.  Many keelhaulings (where you pass a line underneath the boat, tie the offending individual to one end, and pull on the other) were threatened, but to our disappointment none were carried out. 

I’m sure that to others the risks entailed in taking seven young children on a boat seem quite threatening.  And sure, we all fell overboard at one point or another; some more dramatically than others.  Fingers were crunched, nails torn off, and splinters abounded.  But, we all survived, and we learned a tremendous amount about personal responsibility and watching out for your siblings.  My parents’ attitude was that if we were careful no one would come to any harm; and if we weren’t, it served us right.  To quote author Arthur Ransome, “Better drowned than duffers, if not duffers won’t drown.” 

In today’s caution oriented culture, children are given no rope with which to hang themselves, but with no rope they never scale any mountains either.  The ocean can be a harsh master, but lessons learned on it are never forgotten, and the attachment to it is never broken.

Mark Steyn on the Decline of England

One of my favorite political authors, Mark Steyn, has written a piece on the decline of Britain and what it foreshadows for America.  It's well worth reading.  Here's an amusing, if somewhat off-color, excerpt:

Somewhere along the way a quintessentially British sense of self-deprecation curdled into a psychologically unhealthy self-loathing. A typical foot-of-the-page news item from The Daily Telegraph:

A leading college at Cambridge University has renamed its controversial colonial-themed Empire Ball after accusations that it was “distasteful.” The £136-a-head Emmanuel College ball was advertised as a celebration of “the Victorian commonwealth and all of its decadences. 

Students were urged to “party like it’s 1899” and organisers promised a trip through the Indian Raj, Australia, the West Indies, and 19th century Hong Kong. But anti-fascist groups said the theme was “distasteful and insensitive” because of the British Empire’s historical association with slavery, repression and exploitation.

The Empire Ball Committee, led by presidents Richard Hilton and Jenny Unwin, has announced the word “empire” will be removed from all promotional material.

The way things are going in Britain, it would make more sense to remove the word “balls.”

General Lee on Shidduchim

Today is the 204th birthday of General Robert E. Lee.  There is much for which to admire General Lee.  As an armchair military historian, I can appreciate the genius of a military strategist who was able to defeat a force more than twice his size at the battle of Chancellorsville.  And as someone seeking a wife, I can admire his embodiment of a trait that I believe may very well be the most important quality to look for in a prospective spouse.  This trait is integrity, the character strength to do what is right even at great personal cost.  In the new "Me Generation" this is a quality that is sorely lacking.  Personal comfort and fulfillment have become the be-all and end-all...a death sentence for marriage.  At the end of the day, knowing what is right will only get you so far, actually doing it is what matters.  It's very easy for people to say the right things in the comfort of a Starbucks or hotel lounge, but if you are wise, you will confirm that when push comes to shove these principles translate into action.  Find someone capable of making the difficult but right decision, rather than the easy but wrong decision.

I think it better to do right, even if we suffer in so doing, than to incur the reproach of our consciences and posterity.
- Robert E. Lee

Taking Care of Business

Disclaimer: There exist a majority of fine shadchanim who selflessly give of their time and go to the trouble of really getting to know each of the individuals that they set up.  This piece is emphatically not addressed to these wonderful individuals!

There's another kind of shadchan for whom shadchanus is a business.  This type generally uses the pants-and-skirt or shotgun approach.  A common refrain that you'll hear from this class of shadchanim is, "It's just one date. What's the worst that can happen?"  Either the people they set up have absolutely nothing going on in their lives and have nothing better to do, or the shadchanim realize that they have absolute control in the system as it is currently set up.  I for one have many better things to do than go on a string of dates that anyone who knows me in the slightest could have predicted would go nowhere.  That's why I rarely accept suggestions from anyone who doesn't know me personally. But, I am aware that for many people this system is their only option.

Because of the apparent desperation prevalent among singles, and the power that the shadchanim retain as the Doorkeepers Of Zivugim and Eternal Happiness, some of these shadchanim get away with setting up poorly matched date after poorly matched date.  It's a numbers game to them, and eventually they'll no doubt stumble upon a match.  The poor victims of this system, on the other hand, are wasting their time and money and are growing depressed and cynical.  From a purely economical point of view, the shadchanim have no cost and only potential for profit by adopting this approach. That's why I think that if a shadchan openly charges shadchanus gelt (potential profit), a cost also needs to be introduced.  It's time for shadchanim to put their money where their mouth is.

From here on out, if such a shadchan wishes to set me up, I will happily agree, as long as he or she covers the cost of the date and compensates me for the value of my time.  If shadchanim wish to view this as a business, then I will do the same.  There is no legitimate business that reaps reward without incurring a commensurate level of risk.  As such, I will require an investment on their behalf to indicate confidence in their suggestion, and should they be successful they will have an excellent return on their investment in the form of shidduch gelt.  To raise starting capital, shadchanim can form corporations, go public, and find investors.  The good shadchanim will have great rates of return and will attract lots of investment, whereas the bad ones will be forced into bankruptcy.  Capitalism 101 at work.

If shidduchim is going to be a business, then let's run it like a business.  It's time to stop masquerading under the cover of chesed. It is time for us, the commodities, to recognize our worth and rise up and throw off the shackles of subservience to shadchanim.

Revamp the Shidduch System (RSS) #1 - Shabbos Table Shidduchim

I've decided to introduce a new series to PNN entitled "Revamp the Shidduch System", or RSS.  In these pieces, which I'll post every once in a while, I intend to make a suggestion for a change that you can implement in your home, in your community, to help address the shidduch crisis.

RSS #1
Couples: Invite single men and women, of appropriate marriageable age, to your Shabbos table together, and do everything in your power to convince others in your community to do the same.
Singles: Accept the invitations! The presence of singles of the opposite sex isn't a reason to decline a Shabbos invitation, it's a reason to enthusiastically accept and ask if you can bring a friend.

If I did not know this to be the case from significant firsthand experience, I would not believe that there are actually people who think that it is inappropriate to host single men and women together at a Shabbos table.  Folks, this is sheer insanity.  What better place could there be for our young men and women to meet each other?  Being able to see how potential matches interact with other people in a low pressure, warm, kosher environment is something that most shidduch daters don't get to see until very late in the shidduch process.  And honestly, which do you think more accurately enables you to (a) display your true personality, and (b) learn about another person, an awkward first date where neither of you are yourselves, or a Shabbos table filled with people to interact with and situations to react to?  A Shabbos table with many young singles when run by a competent ba'al and ba'alas habayis is a comfortable and appropriate environment for you to meet several singles and determine whether there is any initial interest in each other.  And worst case, if you're not interested in anyone, perhaps you know of a friend who might be.  This is a win-win situation.  Let's make it happen more often.

'Tis the Set of the Sails

Jeu de Voiles (Set Sail)
by Max Laigneau

As I write, this painting hangs above my desk.  The scene is that of an open ocean race and serves as a constant reminder to me of several valuable points.  But more of that to come later.

I was fortunate enough to grow up in a sailing family.  When someone would foolishly challenge my youngest sister's nautical prowess, she (at age 8) would proudly inform the doubter that she had "squeezed more salt water out of my socks than you've seen in a lifetime." As I grew older, I purchased my first sailboat and dreamed of being the youngest sailor to circumnavigate.  More recently, as an instructor, I have been privileged to share my love of sailing with countless others.

There is something about the self-reliance of sailing that is both character building and addictive.  It is the sailor, his skill and his ship, versus the vast ocean.  Should something go wrong while sailing in the middle of the Pacific, you may as well be the last person on earth because it is unlikely anyone can come to your aid.  The sea has always been a favored metaphor for something that can at one instant be serene and peaceful and at the next tumultuous and terrifying.  Much like life.

There is an unspeakable sense of beauty to the magic of harnessing an often silent, invisible force.  However, invisible though it may be, as any sailor knows, the direction and strength of the wind have a tremendous impact on your route...but not on your destination.  A sailboat can never sail directly into the wind, rather it must tack back and forth across the wind, covering much seemingly unnecessary ground to reach its destination.  Each tack involves arduously adjusting the sails and trim.

 No doubt, an ignorant observer would assume the tacking skipper to be intoxicated, but in fact, a direct point of sail into the wind would result in loss of ground.

Tacking teaches us two powerful lessons without which it is impossible to be successful in life.

First of all, external circumstances such as the wind aren't what dictate your path in life. By definition, you have no control over them.  The wind will blow when it wants, in whatever direction it wants, and at whatever strength it wants.  All that is in your control is how you react to these external forces.  When it gusts you may need to reef your sails (reduce their size), when it shifts you may need to let out or sheet in the sails or adjust your direction of travel, but the entire time you keep your eye on your intended destination and ensure that you harness the changing wind to get you there.

Secondly, you often need to aim in a different direction than you really want to travel. At this point in the year, New Year resolutions are all the rage.  People delight in setting major, life-changing goals for themselves, and they last for all of about two weeks.  The secret to success is to set small bite sized goals along the path to your ultimate goal.  For example, instead of aiming to lose sixty pounds by next January, you might instead aim to walk for ten minutes a day for the next three weeks.  "But that will never lead to me losing sixty pounds!", you might protest.  However, it is a resolution that you stand a chance of keeping, and following that you can set a subsequent goal that will lead you even closer to your final destination.  Tack your way upwind.

With that, I'll leave you with one of my favorite poems:

'Tis The Set Of The Sail

But to every mind there openeth,
A way, and way, and away,
A high soul climbs the highway,
And the low soul gropes the low,
And in between on the misty flats,
The rest drift to and fro.

But to every man there openeth,
A high way and a low,
And every mind decideth,
The way his soul shall go.

One ship sails East,
And another West,
By the self-same winds that blow,
'Tis the set of the sails
And not the gales,
That tells the way we go.

Like the winds of the sea
Are the waves of time,
As we journey along through life,
'Tis the set of the soul,
That determines the goal,
And not the calm or the strife.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Time Travel Thought Experiment

It is easy and natural to think how wise and advanced we are compared to primitive nations, such as the Mayans in the early parts of the Common Era.  Think of all of the scientific advances we have made, the concepts we now understand, the medical breakthroughs, the fantastic engineering feats that are now accepted as common.  While reflecting on this the other day, it suddenly occurred to me that if I were to be transported back in time, with nothing but the knowledge contained in my mind, to the Mayan capital in the 3rd century AD, I would be completely worthless.

Sure, I know quantum mechanics, I know about dialysis, diesel engines, and Diderot, but I couldn't put any of it to practical use by myself in a primitive time.

Imagine that upon arriving in a large puff of smoke you are captured and taken before the ruler of the society.  He thinks you're a spy from an enemy tribe and is about to put you to death.  What could you do or say that would convince him that you're from the future?  You're on the spot, try to convince him of your worth.

See if you can come up with any solution, I couldn't.

Why Am I Not Frum?

I should probably begin by saying that if my mother were ever to see this title she would have a conniption.  Come to think of it, she’d probably be mortified if she knew I had a blog.  My friends and family as a whole would also probably be pretty shocked by this title.  But, read on and draw your own conclusions.This is a post that I should have written a while ago, but one thing led to another and I ended up pushing it off until Am I A Frum Feminist (Check it out!) reminded me that I was advertising for all the world to see that I am Orthodox, rigidly halachic, and yet not frum, without any form of explanation.  I owe the idea for the title to her latest post Why Am I Still Frum?, although, to be clear, we’re not disagreeing.  So here is my explanation.

The first reason that I don’t identify myself as frum is a simple matter of definition.  Orthodox has a fairly straight forward meaning.  It is derived from the Greek word orthodoxos which means "having the right opinion" (from orthos ("right", "true") + doxa ("opinion").  According to this, I am not only Orthodox with regards to my Judaism, but Orthodox in all respects, including my views on true humility.  However, regarding my Judaism, I think most would agree this refers to believing in Rambam’s Sheloshah-Asar Ikkarei Emunah (13 Principles of Faith).  Rigidly halachic is also fairly easily understood.  It means that I keep halachah to the best of my ability.  And I don’t use that phrase in the sense that Karl Marx used it (“From each according to his ability”, which invariably leads to no one truly contributing according to his ability.), I honestly mean to the absolute best of my ability.  Are there areas with which I struggle? Obviously…as there are for everyone, but when it comes down to it, I keep halachah.

To adopt a gemara phrase, tzrichah, it was necessary to write both “Orthodox” and “Halachic” as I know individuals, and I’m sure you do too, who are Orthodox but not currently halachic, and some who are halachic but not Orthodox.  And those categories are deserving of a post themselves, but back to the gist of the matter.

The term “frum” is not so easily understood.  Technically speaking, it derives from the German “fromm” meaning devout/pious.  But, in common usage it seems to refer to a quality above and beyond that of Orthodoxy or halachic adherence.  Having searched the shulchan aruch and the gemara, I feel fairly confident in saying that the term appears in neither, nor, to the best of my knowledge, is it defined in any work belonging to the Rishonim.  What this means, is that it is a word lacking a clear definition that has become a tool used to slander people who are both Orthodox and halachic.  Now, fine, upstanding Jews who are Orthodox and halachic can be pejoratively labeled as not frum because they do not subscribe to the latest meshugas, whether that be the Indian sheitel crisis or the New York drinking water scare.  So, simply speaking, I refuse to identify myself by an indefinable term.  From Migdal Bavel (The Tower of Babel) to George Orwell’s 1984, the power of words and common definitions has always stood at the root of a functional society, and to ignore breaches is both foolish and dangerous.  John Milton predicted, "When language in common use in any country becomes irregular and depraved, it is followed by their ruin and degradation."  The same holds true for a religion and society.

The second reason that I don’t identify myself as frum is that I believe that authentic Torah Judaism has been replaced by a vague and ephemeral fashion, namely frumkeit.  I could write whole tomes on the subject of how frumkeit differs from authentic Torah Judaism, but this post is already reaching a dangerous length, so I will identify only one point of difference.

As explained at length by Rav Hirsch among others, authentic Torah Judaism encourages active involvement in the world.  Hebrew uses the same shoresh (root) for the word “holy” (kodesh) as it does for words referring to our relationship with women and wine (kedeishah/kiddushin and Kiddush).  The message is that unlike Christians, we do not flee from physicality and involvement in all aspects of the world, rather we are mikadesh the world, elevating it.  The holy man of Torah is one who relates to the whole world passionately in a holy way.  Not one who does not relate to it the world all.

Compare the "Mainstream" vision of the yeshiva bochur with that of the Torah.  Yakov is the Tora's yeshiva bochur-the ish tam yosheiv ohalim, sitting in the beis midrash, a masmid and a yarei shamayim.  But look at Yakov's other abilities.  He defeats his more worldly brother reclaiming the birthright that should have been his.  Executes and enforces a brilliant and binding contract with wicked uncle Lavan and becomes wealthy.  Wrestles with an angel (he must have worked out at a health club!) and negotiates a peace with Eisav.  If there is one underlying theme of Yakov's life, it is the ability to handle any situation by challenging it on its own terms and subduing it until it conforms to a Torah blueprint.  He meets Eisav on the level of politics, diplomacy and warfare.  Lavan on the business level, the peasant shepherds with sheer physical strength and courage, Pharoah with dignity and wisdom.  Each time he displays competence and produces a kiddush hashem.  This is why he is the first to bear the name Yisrael.  Because he could grapple with human situations and with Godly situations and emerge victorious.  You will probably agree with me that the picture of the mainstream yeshiva bochur you envisaged at the beginning of this paragraph doesn't quite match up to Yakov.

We in the "frum" world take the general bumbling incompetence, the affectation of complete ignorance of the secular world as a mark of a Tzaddik.  That's not a tzaddik--it's a "wimp"!  Can you see many of our so called yeshivishe people walking into the Chicago Mercantile Exchange without making total fools of themselves.  Yakov avinu could have, and he is the Torah's paradigm of the yeshiva bochur.  Can you see a yeshiva guy take on a few New York street hoodlums?  Yakov could.  Could a rosh yeshiva emerge a millionaire from a transaction with a Wall Street tycoon?  Yakov did.  We have absorbed a non-Jewish image of a Tzaddik.  We can no longer tell the difference between a tzaddik and a "wimp".

To personalize this, I am kovea itim every day and daven with a minyan three times a day.  To be honest, with the demands of medical school and running a small business this is not always easy.  However, I will admit that several days a week I show up to minyan wearing jeans and riding a motorcycle.  I'm an avid fan of country music and the opera, I do not wear a black hat, and I work out daily.  In much of the frum world’s opinion, this is enough to classify me as frei (not frum).  I hope you will agree with me that this is insanity.  What relevance should my mode of conveyance, style of trousers, music choices, headgear, or physical fitness have on my status in the Jewish community?  But this mindset is precisely what frumkeit and the usage of the poorly defined “frum” encourage and enable.

Rav Amital, of Gush, recounted that his grandmother would say that frum stood for fiel rishus uveinig mitzvos, full of evil and few mitzvos…I think this is a bit extreme, but really lament that it’s no longer good enough to just be a God-fearing, Orthodox Jew who is shomer torah u’mitzvos.

Move or Die - The Lesson of the Shark

If you have not seen this video yet, it is worth watching.  An aquarium in Seattle had a shark tank in which dead sharks kept turning up.  Mystified, they placed videos in the tank, and this is what they discovered.  A giant octopus turns out to be the culprit.  You can watch as this octopus wraps the shark up in its tentacles.  It's quite an amazing sight.  But, the question remains, how does this kill the shark?

I haven't seen any site that specifically answers this question, but one possibility is asphyxiation.  Most sharks are able to utilize a form of breathing known as Buccal Pumping.  This involves using their buccal (cheek) muscles to pump water into their mouths and out their gills.  It turns out, however, that there are several shark species that breathe by means of a process called Ram Ventilation.  This means that in order to breathe, sharks need to swim forward, ramming water into their mouths and out their gills.  Obligate Ram Ventilators are sharks which can only utilize Ram Ventilation and are incapable of Buccal Pumping.  I have found different views on whether or not a Spiny Dogfish shark (the kind in the video) is an Obligate Ram Ventilator, but if it is, immobilization by the octopus would prevent it from swimming which in turn would asphyxiate it.

As mentioned in an earlier post, there is a gemara that states that without the Torah we would be able to learn certain character traits from the animals.  Spiritual reality is reflected in physical reality.  I think that the message of the sharks, or at least of obligate ram ventilators, is a very clear one: If you're not moving forward, you're not standing still, you're dying.

Most cases of non-clinical depression can be attributed to stagnation.  The feeling of lack of accomplishment is a thoroughly depressing experience.  If you've ever spent the entire day in front of the television you know what I'm talking about.  We were placed in this world with tafkidim, and when we waste the precious time that we've been given, God has given us an inbuilt motivator, depression, telling us to get off the couch and get moving.  If you ever feel depressed, the solution is simple, get up, get out, and accomplish.  I guarantee you that you'll feel better.  Embrace the message of the shark! ("Embrace the message of the obligate ram ventilators" didn't sound quite as snappy.)

Takanas Rabbeinu Gershom for Dating?

There is a place, let's call it OZ (v'hamayvin yavin), where Jews of marriageable age seem to congregate.  For those of us outside of OZ, the vast majority of our suggested shidduchim are inconveniently located in OZ.  This means that when our busy schedules permit it, every few months, we must make that trip down the yellow brick road to see whether we can find a munchkin of our very own...okay, I may have carried this analogy farther than it should have gone.

By the time one of these trips rolls around, a few dozen shidduchim have been suggested, and four or five have emerged as the most promising.  Given the time, I would love to meet many more of the young ladies suggested, but time waits for no man.  The trip to OZ goes up on the calendar, school and work responsibilities generally permit a trip ranging in length from four to six days.  And now arises the million dollar question.  How many dates should I set up?

Let me preface this by saying that when I lived in OZ I was a firm believer in the "date one person at a time" school of thought.  First of all, to do otherwise seemed horribly disrespectful  and to be doing a great disservice to the young ladies who were graciously willing to go out with me.  Secondly, I felt that I owed it to myself to be able to give my full concentration and attention to each young lady in order to enable me to clearly evaluate whether I saw a future with her.  And then I left OZ...

Different shadchanim have given me different opinions.  Some have expressed outrage that I would set up three first dates in a week, others (the majority) have actively encouraged me to do so.  There doesn't seem to be much of a consensus in the world of shadchanim, and the same is true among the world of married friends and PNN sisters.  Most agree that it is not ideal, but given the logistics it is a necessity.

But what started out of necessity led me to wonder why that need be so. To be perfectly open, and to answer the question that I've received many times, I do not think I would care if I knew that one of the girls I was going out with was also going out on multiple first dates.  I think that by the third date, or so, exclusivity is implied and wise, but seeing as how in the world of shidduchim a first date is almost always the first time you meet the person, I don't see why such a meeting needs to be exclusive.  The first date has been blown wildly out of proportion from what it really is.  It is almost a pre-date, the date where you decide whether you actually want to go on a date with a person.  In the secular world it would be the equivalent of bumping into someone at a conference or in the workplace and chatting for twenty minutes.  Once you have some idea of the person's personality and looks, then you decide whether you in fact would like to get all dressed up and take them out for an expensive dinner.

With regards to shidduchim, I don't think that exclusivity, long dates, hurt feelings if it doesn't work out, or large outlays of cash should have anything to do with "first dates".  If I were in charge (Progress report: Optimistic!), first dates would take place with each individual wearing their usual daily attire, over a mandatory cup of coffee (or other cheap beverage of choice), and for a maximum of an hour and a half.  Neither side would have unrealistic expectations about determining whether this person will be their future spouse.  Rather, they'd just enjoy having the opportunity to get to know a fellow human being created b'tzelem Elokim.

But, I'm getting off track and I've been wrong before, so I'm opening this up to you...do we need a takanas Rabbeinu Gershom for dating?