With dating, the activation energy is dictated by the factors making it difficult for you to agree to a date. In my case, these would be (a) the scarcity of time available, (b) the fact that I'm not in NY and most of the suggestions that I receive are, (c) and of course the fact that I'm deeply shallow and quite picky. So for me, my activation energy is already quite high.
As many of you know, Frumster.com recently rebranded to JWed.com and offered free one-month memberships to many of the bloggers as an incentive to write about it. I was curious about online dating and took advantage of the offer. I quickly discovered that with online dating, the activation energy is even higher than usual. The added factors are that, when random shadchanim are involved, the person suggesting the matches doesn't know me, and I don't know or trust them, and they in most cases don't know the young lady. When shadchanim aren't involved, there is the little information available from a profile and the lack of third-party input to suggest that the person is worth meeting. In either case, there is typically no attempt made at "selling" the suggestion, which in my mind is the factor that raises the activation energy the most. There is also, whether it's fair or not, a certain stigma attached to online dating, which I found overshadowed many of the suggestions, but that's not the point of this piece.
Not to take the analogy too far, but in chemistry, a catalyst can effectively lower the activation energy, or the size of the hill, so that it takes less energy to initiate the reaction. In dating this could be an offer to meet halfway, a detail in the profile that speaks to you, an enthusiastic sales pitch from someone you trust, or an attractive picture. However, in the case of online dating I found that my "energy of activation" was set so high that it was extremely rare that any of the suggestions seemed worthwhile. This may reflect a flaw in me, but I rapidly realized that while online dating solves many problems and is certainly worthy of exploration, for me it simply sets the activation energy bar too high and resulted in me turning down girls whom under different circumstances I'd perhaps be interested in meeting. Can any of you relate?
It's similar in neuroscience. In order for an axon to fire, you need an action potential. Once the charge needed is changed, the action potential can't be stopped (unless no myelin on axon).
ReplyDeleteIn a system where people are checklists, it is obvious that pickiness and discarding people for stupid reasons would occur. It is also heightened by the fact that guys in specifically (and some girls) get many suggestions at once so you are comparing them, instead of looking at the individual. I've written about that before.
In general I think technology allows for a lack of sympathy that allows for action which one would not otherwise do in person. I'm running to class so I won't expound on that.
Good analogy. I totally relate... I also say no to most people online because there isn't a good enough 'catalyst'. In fact, I've only ever said yes to one guy on YUConnects simply because his profile seemed to be exactly what I was looking for and his (very detailed and lengthy) description of what he was looking for in a wife corresponded exactly to me. But he said no for some reason, which isn't a big deal - but it's a shame because had a friend suggested it we would've maybe gone out. Little did he know that I had my reasons for thinking it would be a good match and that I had done some very good research...
ReplyDeleteHe couldn't know that I'd been reading a blog for a while and figured out that it was him when I looked at his profile -
While people like to mock the shidduch system, and it has its pitfalls (like anything else), there is something to be said for the salespeople. The Yenta who highlights your qualities and glosses over your faults and hounds and hounds and hounds.
ReplyDeleteSure, I've had bad dates. But that would and could have happened without a shadchan, or via online dating. I've also had good dates, really, really, really good ones.
We are also a more sensitive generation, rejecting before we can be rejected, or not willing to take the plunge at all. That's where a meddling middlewoman comes in.